Books to the Sky

Recap – Bloody Bones, Laurell K. Hamilton, pt. 2

Posted on: March 4, 2009

Okay, this one didn’t take several months to produce!  Success!

Recap of recap pt 1:  Anita Blake has been called out to raise a pack of zombies by Big Shot Lawyer Stirling.  He’s disputing ownership of a hill with the Bouvier siblings, two gorgeous fairies with flowy chestnut hair and weird-ass green eyes.  But there’s a lot of icky murdering happening out in the environs of Branson, MO, and Anita has to bring out the big nipples guns to deal with it – namely the always frilly Jean-Claude.  Oh yeah, and there are two Skele-pires.  Sorry for that fail on my part.

Chapter twenty-one opens with a pissed-off Dorcas Bouvier (Magnus’s spoilsport sister, in case you’ve forgotten) barging in on a sleeping Anita. Amidst her exotic cat posture, her curtain-like chestnut hair, and her sea-green eyes, we get a description of her pupils that “had spiraled downward to a pinpoint, leaving the irises floating.” I totes do not blame her for needing heavy narcotics in order to deal with Anita.

She storms into the bedroom, only to find Jason cuddled up to a sleeping JC. Anita’s modest self is embarrassed, but Dorrie is downright deflated not to find Magnus there. As Dorrie feels bad, Anita watches her surety of purpose solidify in her eyes. I’m pretty sure that’s the cocaine wearing off, but let’s continue. Dorrie reveals that her visions showed Magnus with Anita last night, but clearly the crack has addled her mind’s eye.

Sergeant Bitch Face (she never appears again, don’t worry) told Dorrie that Anita said Magnus killed those kids in the woods, and in other news, Dorrie just assumed that Anita would jump into bed with Magnus because every other woman has. But Dorrie, Anita is a special snowflake! She apologizes and then asks Anita to help her find her wayward brother. Dorrie mentions a creature, and as she extracts from Anita a promise that she won’t relay this information to the cops, threatens her newfound ally as her eyes whirl like miniature whirlpools.

Story time! Ye Olde Bouvier brought a big dumb fairie with him to the New World in the form of a boggle (funny coincidence – that’s what I do when I read Anita Blake) called Rawhead and Bloody Bones. Dorrie is trying to make an interesting yarn out of this, but Anita is tired and won’t sit for the dramatic pauses. Ye Olde Bouvier kept old Bloody Bones around in order to extract a potion made of his blood to augment his magic powers, but his descendents decided that slowly sapping the life of a big dumb fairie was mean and so they’ve had him squirreled away for generations.

Anita demands to know where the creature’s hidden, and it takes a full page of arguing and another, “Anita, you so crazy, you special snowflake you!” moment for Dorrie to concede. Dorrie agrees to let Larry tag along, and the scene closes on Anita musing that women don’t give good handshakes. A) that’s filthy and B) clearly this woman does not meet many high-falutin’ New York lawyers. Most of the women I’ve shaken hands with around her have excellent handshakes, you sexist bitch. Dorrie holds Anita’s hand a little too long, and horror seeps into her eyes at the supernatural glimpse she catches of Anita’s special sad snowflake past. It ends with Dorrie vowing not to underestimate her.

Anita asks herself four rhetorical questions in the space of two paragraphs and then goes back to sleep, clearly having exhausted her brain after the interrogation.

She wakes up again sometime during the afternoon and hangs around like a lump. JC emerges first, and I get the first drink of the recap, hooray! He’s wearing another white shirt, this one with pearl buttons, a jacket “almost too black to be seen,” tight black pants, and more thigh-high boots. Four more ma petites as Anita declares JC’s goth get-up “spiffy.” In the shitty hotel lighting, his eyes are solid darkness yet throw blue sparks. They get to chatting about JC’s coffin and the challenge he’ll have to issue to the local master, Seraphina, in order to get it back.

Two more ma petites as JC is shocked that Anita is not afraid of the upcoming deathmatch. He reveals that there’s a big vampire council somewhere, serving both executive and judiciary functions. The first rule of vampires is the you don’t talk about being vampires. Three more ma petites as JC gives Anita a dead-eyed doll look just to freak her out. Instead, she holds his hand and looks into his “drowning eyes” (drowning in his tears at the pinch of his pants?) and comments that he should be cold after having slept all day but is suspiciously warm.

She dashes into the bedroom, only to find Jason lolling about in a post-suck haze. He gets a little too handsy, and she draws her gun on him. She asks him if a kiss is worth getting shot, and he says, quite rightly, that everyone else seems to think so. JC halts this little encounter, and I get four more drinks on the next page. JC laughs at Anita’s bizarre mood swings, and JC requests that Anita change out of her jeans into something stylish.
Three more ma petites as we learn that Anita packed a lacy red top for a trip to a murder investigation, and yes, she mentions to JC that crimson makes her look pale if she doesn’t wear make-up. Why, I had almost forgotten! He agrees to let her wear her jogging shoes, at least, and Jason emerges a moment later wearing leather pants and a vaguely Asian-inspired top. The paragraph on this is absolutely ridiculous, all buttons and embroidery and shades of blue and yellow. Oh yeah, the shirt’s too short for him, and he’s wearing knee-high boots.

Anita fetches Larry, who borrows a bright blue silk shirt from JC or Jason. Only one ma petite on each of the next two pages as the quartet depart the hotel. JC sits up front with Anita, who reveals that she made everyone in the vehicle buckle their seatbelts. When I’m sitting in the backseat, I hate it when drivers do that. Another three ma petites as they drive and drive before finally arriving at a broken-down old house surrounded in freakishly dense shadows. Surely it’s not all just an illusion!

A seximous vamp with short brown hair, green earrings, and a red leather dress so tight in the bodice that Anita would have “known in the dark she was a girl” but loose below the hips, opens the door and introduces herself as Ivy. Anita is wowed by the idea of a formal leather dress, and I throw up a little in my mouth. For the next four paragraphs, JC kisses Ivy’s hand as the candle in her other hand melts. Finally, the party ducks inside and makes their way to a room teeming with seximous vampires.

This next one is hilariously enough named Bruce, with a pretty face and a pale grey tuxedo with a bright red cummerbund. The room is much more fancified than the rest of the shitty old house, with a unicorn tapestry on one wall, a Persian carpet on the floor, and silk wall hangings framing another door. Ivy decides to molest JC, and he stops her when her hands disappear into his pants. I suspect there isn’t actually enough room in JC’s pants for anyone’s hand, which is why he decides to go all seximous on her. She asks if he fucks as good as he looks, but he does something mystical to wipe the smile from her slutty face. Apparently he captured her with his gaze, and Ivy gets all pissy.

There’s clearly something weird in the Branson, Missouri cocaine supply because now the brown of Ivy’s irises leaks into the whites of her eyes as she glares at JC. He yells a bit, and then Ivy leads them down to meet people who may or may not be as incompetent as she. She requests that Anita walk beside her, and amid two more ma petites, JC tells her to be careful. No shit. I can just about feel the Anita Hostility Ray warming up!

As they trot down the stairs, Ivy assaults Anita with a magic glowy hot grip. After an all-too-brief kerfluffle, Ivy’s rage explodes some nearby lamps. They finally make it downstairs, to find floor-to-ceiling black and a bunch of torture instruments. Who should appear in the door opposite but Skeletor-pire, the alleged pedophile! With two more ma petites, JC reveals that Skeletor-pire is not Seraphina – duh, the lady vamps in the Blake verse are always seximous! – which means that he is a fool. No, JC, this isn’t the reason you’re a fool.

JC demands to know where Seraphina is, and Ivy and Bruce leave our heroes alone with Skele-pire, who turns out to have quite the seximous voice and informs them that they have to get through him in order to see Seraphina. Skele-pire’s name is Janos, but screw that. JC is surprised that someone as powerful as Skele-pire is working for that bitch, and (a ma petite­-laced aside to Anita… aside), the two of them chat.

Vampires interrupt the tête-à-tête to bring in two girls, an undignified blonde crying make-up-y smears down her face and a chubby brunette with a little more steel in her spine. Ivy and Bruce are there, as well as two more lady vamps dressed in black leather (duh), also a blonde and brunette pair. What, no love for redheads? Anita and Larry gasp at the power that radiates from them. The new vamps eye Anita like the candy she is, and I’m pretty amused at the line, “…but I’ve never had anything trying to picture what I’d look like with my skin off.” The following “Yikes” is entirely unneeded.

So the rules are that the Seraphina’s Friends can’t attack Anita and co. without provocation. Skele-pire sounds surprised that Larry and Anita would intervene with the torture of the two girls, but isn’t that the whole reason they’re dragged into this? Another ma petite as JC explains the rules for the tenth freaking time and the lady vamps strap manacles to the wrists of the girls. A dusky-skinned vamp strides into the room, radiating “raw sexuality that clung to [her] like a touchable cloud,” apparently for the purpose of telling JC that she can’t wait till he’s made her sex slave.

With two more ma petites, JC acts as if there’s any way in hell Larry and Anita really will just stand aside while vamps torture these two barely legal teens. The vamps remark that gee golly, Anita really does mean her threats of violence as the Leatherette Twins brandish whips. Skele-pire also finds a chance to applaud Anita’s knowledge of history when she knows what a whipping boy is; the scheme is that the two girls are meant to entice Jason and Larry into taking their places to suffer tender vamp mercies.

This is so bizarre. Skele-pire is careful to assure Anita and co. that the girls are of age and came willingly, and now he’s assuring them that he won’t cripple or kill either of the men. Seriously, just crush their spines and be done with this archaic procedure bullshit. So the boys agree, but Jason just has to fuck the Leatherette Twins in front of everyone. Could be worse, eh? The vamps are both busty and small-waisted, with faces not quite right to Anita’s taste, handsome rather than beautiful. Does that count as seximous?

Anita looks away, aware that voyeurism tends to make her blush. Oh really?? We learn that the blonde leatherette is a natural blonde, which is way more than I needed to know. Even Skele-pire is enjoying the scene, but JC and Dusky Lady (Kissa, of course) don’t seem very affected by it. Poor Larry tries to look away, but he’s only human. Despite herself, Anita feels “heat crawl up [her] spine,” as Larry turns white as a sheet (not the usual reaction).

Just as Jason starts pumping away, the Leatherette Twins go all rotting corpse on him. It’s just as gross as it sounds. JC and Anita have a ma petite-filled conversation about the Leatherette Twin’s propensity to dissolve into slime, the result of which is that JC challenges Skele-pire. For someone as ancient as the latter presumably is, it’s disconcerting when he says, “You rang?” when JC says his name.

After a page of what passes for shit-talking among vampires, the two get down to business. Anita’s hair “streamed in a wind that was coming from the two.” Heh heh. Wind. JC starts glowing, which weirdly enough is a bad sign. Anita decides to challenge Ivy, apparently just to shake shit up, and she notes smugly that she can meet Ivy’s eyes. The vamp’s laugh nearly cuts Anita’s skin, which would actually be a pretty cool power. Just as Ivy begins to pwn Anita, Kissa orders her to put her down. Shocking twist!

Blonde Leatherette’s rotting head sticks her tongue in Anita’s ear after Ivy throws Anita to the ground, which is possibly the grossest thing ever. JC informs his petite that they’re screwed, and she starts shooting. Skele-pire does something painful to JC, and Anita shoots some more. During a breather, she checks JC and continues to lust after him, in spite of his unconscious state. She gives him CPR and realizes that she’s a little horrified that someone else got to kill him. She thinks that she would trade the girls and Jeff (the dead girl’s brother) for JC, which is really disturbing.

Jason offers his blood and looks traumatized. As she’s feeding him from her own vein, JC twitches and grabs her arm. As he sucks on her wrist, she thinks that it might have felt good during sex but now just hurts. She starts to pass out and then decides to shoot him. Wow. That makes a ton of sense. She ma petites him back to life, and he responds in kind. Um, hooray? This scene would have had the least ounce of drama if there was any way JC could have died for good.

JC tells Anita how excited he is (in so many ways) to have some of her blood inside him, and clearly it’s done him good; once more his voice is like fur rubbed along Anita’s body. Jason, on the other hand, looks half-dead. Someone’s waving a flag of truce – it’s Magnus! He’s dressed in pure white, tie to tux to shoes. Someone needs to tell him how over the ‘70s are. Larry waves a gun at him, truly a protégé of Anita, but he just offers Seraphina’s apologies, seeing as how Ivy broke the truce first. Um, really?

Apparently Magnus has vampire bites on his neck, and he offers similar sustenance to JC, who declines. There’s an obscure exchange between the two, and Anita waves her gun around. It turns out that Ivy actually lost to Anita because she had to resort to icky brute force. Amid four ma petites, JC explains that she’s now a master something or other. Oh look, she’s dominant in a were-pack and now a master among vampires! JC piles it up by alluding to Anita as not human and giggling.

Jason is looking better, and when Larry refers to JC as “fangface,” the vamp cracks up laughing. That’s actually a great image, but are his pants roomy enough to allow for the violent hip motions involved in doubling up? As they gather themselves to meet Seraphina, Anita spares a thought for her gross clothing. The girls scamper after they get permission to leave, and JC offers to “help” Anita in some vague way with six ma petites. Naturally, she refuses.

They climb the stairs to find themselves into a real old school harem room, complete with throne and ghosts. Apparently Seraphina can call the little buggers to her service. Kissa is there, looking bloodied. The girls scamper away on Anita’s command; she has this inexplicable feeling that something bad is waiting for them. No shit. The breeze molests Anita’s scalp “like an overly amorous date,” as they leave the harem room and walk through a shadowy orchard. Playing with shadows is another of Seraphina’s talents.

They finally meet the dame herself, all white and glowy and surrounded by ghosts. Jason gets freaked out, which, like many things, just makes them worse. JC’s pissed that he’s such a pansy. When they reach her at long last, she and JC have a snippy exchange, and then they go back inside to the harem room. Seraphina has eyes like a banked fire and apparent immunity to the Anita Hostility Ray. When Seraphina bursts into laughter, power rides on Anita like pounding horses and makes her vibrate. Sexual overtones much? She finds it terrifying, but it’s just an illusion. Anita admits that she can’t meet Seraphina’s eyes, and Seraphina laughs again, a sound that slides down Anita’s spine “like something loathsome and half-alive.” Oh no, that’s just your tumor, hon.

Ivy and Skele-pire join them, and Anita’s disappointed to see that her bullets didn’t take. All the vamps in Seraphina’s troupe kneel to her, but Skele-pire gets up a moment later to retrieve’s JC’s coffin, which he drops carelessly on the ground. Oh burn! Seraphina smugly tells JC that she knows that Xavier is here (wait, is he the original Skele-pire? How many ugly distended vampires are there?), you stupid boy-whore.

Finally, Anita’s Hostility Ray hits home, and Seraphina remote-stabs her. The power of her glowy white eyes make Anita lust something fierce after her even as she wants Sera to hold her like her mother did. Is that an Oedipal or Electra complex? Anita barely resists Sera’s siren call and manages not to run screaming. Off to one side, Kissa is impressed by Anita’s restraint – but aren’t we all? – but Anita insists on remaining terrified even as Sera tells Anita that Skele-Pire (this one will be Skele-Pire v.1) told her of Anita’s “aura of power,” which he was able to use against her. It’s how Anita can resist Sera’s power.

Anita whines about human law and cops, and JC backs her up. Apparently Sera is not up on Vamp Council proclamations, including the one about cooperating with The (hu)Man. Because she can’t impress Anita by remote-stabbing her anymore, Sera decides to remote-stab Ivy for breaking the truce. She asks Anita to help her punish the naughty vamp, and Anita refuses, though I would have been tempted, if only to punish her for that revolting crimson leather formal gown.

Sera then changes her glowy eyes and voice to resemble those of Anita’s mother, in a last-ditch effort to subdue her to her Evil Vamp Will. Anita yells, angsts, reminisces about her mother’s funeral, and then finds the strength within her to resist. You’ll be shocked to know that Sera admits that she’s impressed after this display and agrees to help Anita find Missing Boy Jeff, who’s off being molested by Skele-Pire v.2. Sera even bitches at Ivy that Anita did what Ivy could not. Double burn! As they leave, Sera’s ghosts aren’t quite as animated, but despite this showing of fatigue, Anita vows never to return to that house. The vampire, she thinks, has her ticket.

On the way home, Jason reeks of seximous corpse, but before he can jump in the shower, Anita announces that everyone’s sleeping in her room tonight. Woah, I thought the orgies didn’t start until the next book or two! Larry is traumatized at having killed Vamp Bruce, but I don’t even remember that part. He angsts for awhile and asks Anita how she can go on dating JC, knowing what he is on the inside (gooey?), and there’s some talk about who exactly is a monster. Amid six ma petites, everyone makes shower arrangements (except JC, who prefers baths), and JC confesses his surprise at Sera’s mad skillz.

As she dithers, Anita thinks about the sexy burgundy robe BFF Ronnie badgered her into buying – and which Anita just happened to take with her on this murder/zombie investigation. She isn’t even trying for modesty as she ponders that she looks like a delicate little doll in her robe, and she and JC have Sexual Tension as she traipses around in her Victoria Secret get-up and he strips. Despite the writhing corpses she’s just seen, the thought of JC in a bath gets her all lathered up, and they chat about JC’s lack of rot when Anita goes in to give him fresh towels.

Anita ruins the vaguely sexy moment by thinking that, while she’d like to run her hands over his pale wet flesh, she doesn’t actually want intercourse. Who says “intercourse” to themselves when hot and bothered? Several more ma petites, and JC is sad that Anita is convinced that, despite her lust perfuming the air (blech), they’ll never have sex. Just wait a book or two, honey. He’s not too sad, though, because “if [she] were a woman of casual appetites,” he wouldn’t love her. JC doesn’t like women who don’t have sexual hang-ups, apparently.

They then turn to JC’s Tragic Past, wherein he was a whipping boy, then a sex toy when he was made a vampire. Four more ma petites it takes to explain all this and why he slept with Sera back in the day, when she offered him the power to escape his enslavement. Oh, and it comes out that JC can grow his hair to any length he wants. Anita flees just as he gets up to dry off, and she inwardly whines about how she doesn’t trust herself not to… we’re not sure, since she doesn’t do Teh Secks.

He follows her, and they fondle and… yes, a nipple! He opens her robe to fondle her back, though she’s wearing a t-shirt, so it’s not R-rated. They’re pressed up together and making out, and he ruins the mood by biting her lips. He gets a little huffy, and she sees something “dark and drowning and older than it should have been” in his eyes. I’m convinced this is some sort of vampire tapeworm. She angsts about having cheated on Richie for the first time, and she ogles his bare ass as he leaves to get dressed.

After he’s dried his flowing tresses, they chat some more as the sun starts to rise, with five more ma petites. He tells her that he loves her (his petite) as much as he’s able. How… reassuring. He whispers that it hurts, the weird sleep-coma thing vampires do during the day. He looks pretty dead, and she thinks she feels his soul brush her as it goes wherever vampire souls go during the day.

Anita has a fucked-up dream involving her mother and blood, and she wakes up to the same smell as her mother’s bath powder. Gasp! It’s a message from Sera! Only JC has ever done that before, and Anita freaks out. She’s even more determined to kill her now, but Larry nags her about things like “warrants” and “murder.” When that doesn’t go anywhere, they decide to go talk to Dorcas and Magnus some more, about this whole zombie and giant fairy creature business. And there’s Skele-Pire Child Molestor to worry about, too.

When they go to meet Dorrie, her hair is shining like heavy water, in the tradition of Fairy Hair Doing Weird Shit. I’m pretty sure heavy water is toxic to all forms of life, Anita. Larry ogles Dorrie, who reveals that she doesn’t know where Magnus is. Ruh roh! Dorrie’s eyes do that weird pinpoint thing again as they tramp through the backwoods of Missouri, and Anita takes mental stock of all the anti-fairy magic stuff they’ve prepared: ointment, salt, and non-silver bullets. She then goes off on a bizarre mental tangent about a breeze: “You hoped the beginning of time smelled like that; fresh bread, clean laundry, childhood memories of spring.” Um… at the Big Bang, there was neither bread nor laundry nor children nor springtime, lady.

They stumble upon Magnus with blood on his mouth, feeding on something Anita can sorta half-see out of the corner of her eye. It’s Bloody Bones! Dorrie bitches him out and says that the reason Sera can call him is that he does this unholy thing. Anita muses that Magnus’s ears aren’t pointed, as if I gave a crap. Dorrie weeps, and Magnus blithely dismisses her concerns that Bloody Bones could escape, even though that’s exactly what happened last time someone fed on him. Wow, Magnus, you did not watch enough TV growing up.

They snipe at each other for awhile, revealing that Bloody Bones is kept imprisoned by a hodge-podge of magicks from all over the world. Finally we learn that if Anita raises the corpses in Stirling’s coveted hillside, Bloody Bones will be loosed. Oh noes! Magnus shares that Sera made a deal with him that she would find another guardian for Bloody Bones if she could drink his magicky blood. And of course, Sera is scared of Anita after the events of last night. Anita is astounded, as if this doesn’t happen every time she meets up with a vampire. They work out a plan that Anita will raise just some of the corpses, as Magnus crouches in the grass and whines.

Proving her penchant for masochism, Anita decides to call that FBI asshole and finds out that the murdered kids (remember them? I barely do) had been sexually assaulted. As she ponders all this, the clouds glow like jewels and shimmer like a big shredded (radioactive) blanket. Apparently the day has passed to evening, because diamond-chip stars show through the clouds. She’s at the big gravesite hillside with Larry and Stirling & co. They exchange pointless hostilities, and Anita’s adorable goat sacrifice is adorable. As soon as Anita assures Stirling that she wouldn’t lie about the dead, he’s suddenly trusting again, or maybe he’s just become inured to the Anita Hostility Ray.

She goes through the contents of her zombie and vampire bags and nags at Larry for having a gaudy (but admittedly cool) scimitar blade. Less yakkin, more action plz. He’s worried about whether they can actually raise three centuries-old corpses, but when she describes how they will be joining their powers, he gets all nerdily excited. This ointment business involves molesting each other, and then they sacrifice the first goat. They splash around in the blood and start magicking. Finally! She draws some circle deal and thinks that the earth is hungry for this dead-raising business. Ew! She can feel Bloody Bones moving around way off on his own hillside.

And Ivy shows up! No formal leather gown tonight, but her get-up is still hideous, involving a hot pink Spandex top and a flannel shirt over top of that. Ivy lunges at her, and Larry drops his gun when she threatens to kill Anita. He is a better person than I. As they tussle, Anita’s cross zaps Ivy, and then when she tries to get up, Larry’s cross catches her, and she’s pretty well stuck. Anita uses Larry’s machete to finish off this victim of fashion, and – uh oh! – the blood from Ivy’s fatal wounds closes the magic circle of zombie raising.

And it’s bad news. The bodies all rise up, and then ol’ Bloody Bones breaks free of his magic prison. Anita calls the zombies to life, and it turns out they’re all Bouviers. No hotel for Stirling – or is there?? He pulls a gun on Anita, as do his little law bitch and his secretary, and reveals that he wanted Bloody Bones to rise. Larry and/or Anita gets the zombies to shield them from the gun-toting trio, and then Anita orders them to kill the secretary. Stirling takes advantage of their momentary smugness at watching secretary die to sneak up on them, but Anita successfully wrangles the gun away from him, as is her way, and then breaks his arm for shits and giggles.

Anita orders the zombies back into the ground, and Larry discovers that secretary is still alive, while law bitch is not. Anita thinks that she could have shot the law trio without a second thought and is horrified at herself. There’s a distant rustling sound, and it’s… Skele-Pire v.1, the non-child molestor! He’s brought along Kissa and Jeff (the murdered girl’s brother). He’s garbed in a cream-colored tux and Kissa in black leather. Blech. He expounds Sera’s plan here, which involves both sending people to kill Anita and accepting that Anita might kick their asses.

Anita drops her gun when they threaten to kill widdle Jeff, and people keep showing up to what promises to be a climactic finale full of blood n guts. First it’s one of the vamps who molested Jason-pire, and then it’s Skele-Pire v.2, the child molestor. They’re all BFFs, it turns out! Skele -Pire CM liked Ellie’s boyfriend, and boyfriend liked Ellie, so they all turned as a happy vampire family. How nice. The other Jason-molestor vamp turns up, looking slinky. The Leatherette Twins live! And then Ellie-pire herself emerges from the woods!

Child Molestor-pire orders Ellie-pire to feed on Stirling, and Larry badgers Anita into trying to save him. So difficult, this one. When the vamps threaten to off poor Jeff, Larry and Anita toss their crosses, and the vampires start feeding on Stirling and secretary anyway. Nice going, guys. Anita asks them to at least put Stirling under first, and they comply like the sweeties they are deep down.

Then poof, JC shows up on the scene! Anita thinks he looks “pretty damn good” in another white shirt more froth than fabric, a white jacket, tight white pants, and velvet black boots. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to wear that much white after 1978, JC. Jason appears from the other side in the hill, hilariously goth in leather and a dog collar. Skele-Pire v.1 is annoyed that he won’t be dragging JC to the party in chains, but he doesn’t press the issue and instead disappears with the rest of his party to go chill at Sera’s.

JC thoughtfully brought seximous clothes for our zombie-raisers: black leather for Larry, tight jeans and a red tank top for Anita. Amid three ma petites, JC talks about how he barely escaped Sera’s clutches. She settles her knives, guns, and spare crosses, and then poor Larry emerges in skin-tight leather. Five more ma petites, and they get their asses in gear.

Kissa greets them at Sera’s door, still mad because she hasn’t been allowed to feed yet tonight. Sera’s in a prom dress nightmare, complete with diamonds in her hair. Everyone on the scene is dressed in monochrome, and Sera’s pupils do that weird disappearing thing Magnus’s and Dorrie’s do. What’s up with that? Sera calls Anita “niña,” which was Anita’s mother’s name for her. Gasp! Larry points out that she’s shaking, and Anita tells him he’s an idiot. This time, I tend to agree.

Sera touches Anita, Anita screams, JC says “ma petite,” Sera goes to molest Jason, and she threatens everybody in various creative ways. She remote-scratches JC, but he acts totally cool about it. JC lashes back with a burst of power, and Sera looks like marble. Anita needles her about her ghosts, who aren’t present this time, and JC tells Anita to get her cross out if she wants to be useful. Magnus makes like he’s going to be difficult, but just then, Bloody Bones himself shows up! He’s tall with poor dental hygiene, reddish skin, and really bad body odor. Sera calls him, and JC tells Anita that if Sera drinks of Bloody Bones, the crosses might not work against her.

Anita fires at Sera, and the two seximous molest-y vamps advance on her. Bloody Bones wants to kill Magnus, apparently, and when Anita shoots him too, he gets annoyed. Sera manages to get a bite of Bloody Bones despite Anita’s best efforts, and Anita’s sure they’re all going to die. I’ll take that bet. Bloody Bones asks Sera to free him, as per their agreement, but she refuses. Uh oh! Turns out that Sera never took Fairy 101, in which we learn never ever ever to break a promise to fairies. Bloody Bones conjures a sword out of nowhere and pins Sera to the wall. Oh snap! He stabs Magnus too, and it comes out that he’s the one who killed the kids in the woods because they were wicked children.

Anita shoots him, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. JC tells her to put her cross away if she wants his help, and she complies. There’s a big tussle here – JC versus Child Molestor-pire versus Larry versus Bloody Bones versus Anita. Child Molestor-pire stabs Bloody Bones dead, and it’s hinted that he’s some new creature, neither vampire nor fairie but with the strengths of both. Anita’s side is looking pretty screwed, but Sera’s looks pretty stabbed. JC tells Anita that Sera wants her blood, and sure enough, Skele-Pire v.1 tells her to get moving or her cronies get it. JC ma petites her not to go, but since when does Anita refuse a good bout of self-sacrifice? Sera works her Anita Mommy Magic, and Anita has a dream about lying with her mother in a coffin. She wakes up to find herself in a coffin with Sera and scrambles outta there. Magnus is there, supervising the vamps. They chat about sleeping and immortal blood, and Magnus warns her against leaving – or he’ll have to hurt her. Yeah, because he’s been so competent at doing things before this.

Anita opens coffins and sprints outside. She and Magnus tussle, and somehow they end up back inside. She gets a knife from the bar and stabs him when he leaps on her. But it doesn’t take, and he tells her to get back into the coffin with Sera. Sure, I’m sure the docile Anita will just step back in there if you ask real nice. He slices her up, but Anita has a scheme. Her blood falls onto Ellie-pire, above whose coffin Magnus has pinned her, and Anita is shocked that this crazy plan – raising a vampire in broad daylight – might just work. She suddenly starts acting all seductive, and even Magnus is smart enough to realize she’s plotting.

It works! She flips Magnus and orders Ellie to grab him. He stabs Ellie, who screams, to Anita’s horror. Zombies don’t scream. Anita high-tails it as Ellie catches fire with Magnus still in her arms and Sera calls her with her creepy Anita Mommy Magic. She flags down a ride, gets the cops, and finally ends up with a cup of coffee at the police station. I bet it’s really shitty coffee. Anyway, Larry managed to escape the night before, hooray!

FBI Asshole asks her about the weird shit they found at Sera’s house and gets annoyed when she keeps mm about the most interesting stuff. Oh well, it’s her way. She calls Larry from the station, and they plot to go after Sera. JC and Jason are chilling at the hotel – how is it that at least Larry and Jason didn’t go after Anita?? I guess they were waiting for JC to be lively again. Sera knocked them unconscious and absconded with Anita. Larry shows up with her clothes, and soon enough they’re lighting Sera’s house afire.

But Sera’s not done with our heroine just yet! Anita orders FBI Asshole to disarm her, and I think he’s a little too happy to comply. She tells the FBI to stop the gas, but it’s all a lie. Anita goes nuts as Sera works her last bout of Anita Mommy Magic and then, once again, passes out. And gross, her coma smells like burning flesh and tastes like lipstick and blood.

Anita wakes up on the hospital, all cut up. JC heals, the Jeff and Ellie-pire’s parents sue Anita, Anita has nightmares about Sera, and Anita angsts about her various issues – having more magic powers than she thought had and having two seximous men vying for her hot body. The end!


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Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them! How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.
--Arnold Lobel

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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